What Hurts the Most
by Silvine Fae Graycin
Summary: I can't say goobye to her."


**I woke up at five thrity this morning, and this one shot just hit me like a brick. its a it depressing, but I had to do it. It was too good to let go of. I hope you like it.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be.**

I stared at the faces gathered around me. I couldn't what had happened. Everyone watched as the casket was carried down the aisle. I tried to avoid looking at it. I Knew I wouldn't be able to hold my emotions in much longer. It was all my fault. I tried to feel the bond we'd had, though I knew it would be pointless. There would be no bond anymore. You can't have a bond with some one who is dead. And she was. Vasilisa Dragomir was dead. And it was my fault.

I hadn't been guarding her that night. I had been on leave. Dimitri and I were going to the doctor. We hadn't been sure at that point, but we thought I might be pregnant. It turned out we were right. I was carrying Dimitri's child. We had never thought it possible, but being a strigoi and then being changed back had its affects. One was he wasn't able to fight well for some reason, though we had no clue why, so he wasn't a guardian any more. That killed him. But he was just happy to be with me again. The other affect had been the pregnancy. I had been so ecstatic to tell Lissa, but no sooner than we left the doctor, I was dragged into her head.

The fear had been overwhelming. What she was even doing outside the wards of the court was beyond me. But she was. And there four strigoi had laid in wait, hoping for a royal. And they had one. Eddie had managed to drop one instantly. The other guardian, though, had been taken out quickly. I recognized him from when we were in school. He was not a good guardian, then or now. Why they had him guarding Lissa, even for one night, baffled me. Eddie had fought well, but he hadn't realized the other guardian had fallen. At that point, I managed to get out of her head and ran. But I was too late. When I got there, there was one strigoi left. The other three were down. He lifted his head from Lissa's neck and I lost it. I lunged toward him and staked him. He never saw it coming.

Now, at Lissa's funeral, everyone was either staring at me, or at Lissa's casket. They weren't giving me accusatory looks, like I thought I desevered. They were looks of sadness. Every one knew by now that we'd had a bond. As inconvenient as that bond had been at times, like during moments when she had been pasionate with some one, I was now finding that I missed it. Feeling only my own feelings and thoughts was disorienting.

The preacher started the service, and I let the tears fall freely. Dimitri held me close. Christian and Adrian, both sitting together across the aisle, were in tears too, though they were trying to hide it. Lissa had actually started dating Adrian, at first it had been to try and make Christian jealous. After two years of waiting for him to come back on his own, she felt she had to try somehing. And dating Adrian had been her answer. The thing was, she had actually started falling for him. And Christian still never came back, even though he still loved her. He hadn't realized that her dating Adrian had been to try ad get him back.

The service ended, and everyone got up and left. Dimitri led me back to our house. I took one last glance at the casket, then at Adrian and Christian in front of it. Both were standing still as statues. No one could believe it. Lissa was supposed to become the queen once Tatiana stepped down. She'd had such promise. That couldn't happen now.

"Roza," Dimitri said. He sounded like he wanted to say more, but he couldn't figure out what to say. There as nothing he could say.

"I can't say goodbye to her Dimitri. I just can't."

"then don't. you'll see her again. Maybe not for another fifty or sixty years when its you in the casket, but you will see her," he said. I got an idea then.

"Maybe I don't have to wait," I said, getting up quickly. I think my words came off the wrong way, because Dimitri followed after me. I ran to the edge of the wards and left the protection of them altogether.

"Rose, please don't hurt yourself," Dimitri yelled, trying to catch up to me. I was so much faster than him, now.

"Lissa, I need to see you," I said. Many ghosts appeared to me. I looked for the one that mattered. And there she was. The others left quickly. Lissa gave me a sad smile. "Lissa, I'm so sorry. I shuold have been there. You would still be alive if I had been."

Lissa tried to speak, but she could'nt. she reached out to touch me, but I felt nothing. She sighed. I was vaguely aware of Dimitri behind me, waiting for me to do something. But all I could do was stand there and watch the ghost of my best friend. Then, she started to fade. I realized what was happening. She was making peace. I wouldn't be able to see her again.

"Lissa, please don't go," I pleaded. She gave me one last smile, and the she faded completely. I felt Dimitri grab me and pull me inside the wards.

"Roza, this isn't healthy. You have to stop. She's gone," he said. Those words hit me like a truck. I just fell to the ground, and cried.

**So what do you think? please tell me if its good or not.**


End file.
